A Pinky Promise

it’s a love letter in the end - really.

I visited a version of myself the other day that I haven’t said hello to in awhile. It’s a little like opening a vault of memories that you hold onto fondly for a rainy day - sometimes you’re reminded of a lot of mistakes you’ve made.

And I have made a lot of mistakes in my life.

But you were never one of them.

And loving you was never one of them.

I’ve been spending my time dancing in fond memories that always seem to rush into my mind as the leaves start to change color.

Memories of sitting on wood fences in not so secret locations. Or swings over puddles that were far too deep. Laughter that filled quiet rooms, or shared thoughts communicated only through eyebrows from across the room. Memories of a warm time where secrets were shared with little reservation on a dirt road going no where.

Memories living like a short film in my head.

Directed by the most chaotic memory.

Warm and beautiful, nonetheless.

How sad I felt when I had to hold myself warm in my heart as the realization hit that I had built safety with you and it was so unfamiliar that my mind and body started to panic.

How embarrassed I was when I realized that I had to learn how to feel safe.”

There is something rather special in my heart about this painting. I will admit - I am gatekeeping it a little bit. I might gatekeep it a little bit longer.

It is warm, and full of love. There was so much learning about myself in the process, the chapter and the years. A reminder that things that are flawed can still be so very beautiful, and cherished.

A reminder that things that break can be fixed with some work, intention and a change in direction.

Thank you for building safety with me - I am sorry it took me so long to understand what to do with it.

I was scared of a lot of things that existed in my mind then. Things I am not sure that I can even find the words to explain now.

You were never one of them.

Boxes were piled tall and unsteady in my mind, things I swore I would look at if I could only find the time one day - a life in fight or flight but my only responses were fawn or freeze.

I loved you in the “till death do us part” kind of way - but I didn’t know how to tell you that death had already built a home in my mind.

I loved you in the “tell me anything and we’ll figure it out” kind of way - but I didn’t know how to tell you that my mind was in a war of numbers with my body.

I loved you in the “we can do anything” kind of way - but I didn’t know how to ask for help when it felt like my chest was closing in and I was 5 years tall again.

How sad I felt when I had to hold myself warm in my heart when I realized I had built safety with you and it was so unfamiliar that my mind and body started to panic.

How embarrassed I was when I realized I had to learn how to feel safe.

But our chapter?

That will always be one of my favorites. Where bouquets of flowers were interchangeable with bouquets of chicken nuggets. Where puddle splashing was as normal as crunching leaves. Where laughter at 6am was as normal and delirious as laughter at 12am.

Thank you.

I love you. For now. For ever. For always.

it was always a love letter - one i hope to revisit.

i have a pile of letters burning a hole in my pocket that i don't know what to do with.

one day i hope the answer will come.