existential dread infusing education

a scheduled existential crisis from Tahnia Getson

When I first read Theory as Liberatory Practice I was in a state of existential crisis. I had started reading the article while I was frustrated with the world. I was frustrated with the fact that there are so many people in this world that are hurting due to the existing systems. I was frustrated that we could see that there were so many people hurting and so many of us are actively choosing to do nothing. Even worse, so many are actively choosing to make decisions that hinder people from living life in a way that engages happiness.

I was frustrated with the world, because I desperately wanted it to be better for people.

I often feel as though I am out of my depth in this world. That academia was not meant for me and my own neurodivergency. That this world of fancy words and wordy sentences were meant to keep me away. bell hooks made me feel a lot better.

The fact that academia is so inaccessible is something that is insanely frustrating for me. We want people to understand the way that our structures are causing pain, but we also make it inaccessible. I am annoyed by the inaccessibility of information. I am annoyed that we make it so difficult for people to learn.

I am especially annoyed that it feels as though only the select elite are meant to achieve success in this world, but we also place so much value on academia.

That was what made me frustrated.

What made me feel incredibly better? That bell hooks discusses how theory in practice can be used to free yourself from barriers. That, as we learn more about the world and how to shift our own thinking, we are also allowing ourselves to be free from constraint. While it was frustrating to learn about the many barriers around academia, it was SO very liberating to know that I was not making it up in my mind. Those barriers do exist, and they are preventing people from accessing it – they are preventing me from accessing it.

hooks gave me a certain amount of liberty in exploring this material in my own voice, instead of trying to put on someone else’s voice to understand it. The reading allowed me to give myself permission to write, read and engage with the material in a way that was authentic to me. I do not have to find bigger academic words to show that I understand the material. I did not have to overextend myself just to pull out a thesaurus to sound more intelligent.

My voice is valued in this material, and it is integral in digesting the material to authentically put it to work as I walk through this world. I am so incredibly grateful for the way that it felt as though hooks spoke directly to her reader.

The definition of activism, allyship and the newly declared ‘accomplices’ is something that has continued to baffle me in the advocacy field as they feel unclear to me – there is a muddiness in the definitions and role expectation of each. That is work that I am continuing to try and make clear for myself. There seems to be several people who insist that yelling louder is the best way to ensure their voice is heard. In some instances, I am in absolute agreement. Riots, protests, and political upheaval all have their place in this world – yet, without thought or strategy these actions will not accomplish their intended goal. You cannot have a goal without theory as the road to plant the finish line.

Sometimes I reflect on these movements and worry about speaking about them candidly. Sometimes I worry that I am stirring the pot and I will be yelled at. Activism, while it is a passion of mine, is terribly difficult at the best of times – let alone the worst.

Not to mention the number of times that it feels as though we are going backwards.

I look at where we are today with the decisions that are being held over our heads like a guillotine. The possibility of Roe v. Wade being overturned and setting autonomous bodily rights back several decades, or the recent decision of the Supreme Court of Canada to allow ‘self-induced intoxication as a defense – it is hard to see how we could be moving forward.

I feel frustrated.

I feel as though everyone should just understand.

Which brings me to a loop right back to the top of where I started.

If I am thinking about the articles that I read, I can see how theory as a practice is the thing that breaks the loop. The practice of listening, understanding, and digesting prior to acting is the way that we break the systematic loop. However, the only way that we can do that is by breaking down the existing structures that make it so hard to speak out and have conversations about the controversies in the world.

Maybe bell hooks was onto that.

Saying ‘fuck it’ (pardon my cursing) and allowing yourself to be the voice in the room that talks openly, candidly and with honesty. To allow yourself the privilege of admitting when you were wrong, when you do not know something or when something has changed your mind. To allow your voice to be the voice that practically talks about theory.

It makes me want to be the one voice in the room who throws caution to the wind and just tries.

Ultimately, is not that what it is about?

What I learned most in all of this is that there is no one right way to dismantle the systems – but I desperately want to dismantle the systems that are causing so much pain in the people around me.

Bibliography

hooks, b. (1991). Theory as liberatory practice . Yale Journal of Law and Feminism, 4(1). 1–12.